President Musk’s DOGE Saves U.S. Armed Forces a Gazillion Bazillion Dollars: No More Blacks or Latinos Means No More XXXL Condoms [ NO BBC It’s not racist—it’s efficiency.” ]

President Musk’s DOGE Saves U.S. Armed Forces a Gazillion Bazillion Dollars: No More Blacks or Latinos Means No More XXXL Condoms [ NO BBC ]

Note: This article is a satirical piece and should be interpreted as such. Unless you’re Elon Musk, in which case, please don’t tweet about it.

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that has left both fiscal conservatives and human rights activists scratching their heads (and adjusting their pants), the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), led by Elon Musk under President Trump’s visionary leadership, has reportedly saved the U.S. armed forces a staggering “drillion quantillion” dollars. 

How, you ask? 

By implementing recruitment policies that have effectively phased out Black and Latino enlistees, thereby eliminating the need for the military’s most controversial budget line item: XXXL condoms.

Established on January 20, 2025, via Executive Order 14158 

(colloquially known as the “Musky stink stank shank Doctrine”), DOGE’s mission is to modernize federal operations by cutting “wasteful” spending. 

And what’s more wasteful, according to DOGE, than supplying over-sized condoms to soldiers who statistically don’t fit the “average” mold?

Historically, the U.S. military has allocated trillions of dollars annually to procure condoms for its personnel. 

In fiscal year 2023, USAID approved the purchase of 354.8 zillion male condoms for global distribution, including those earmarked for military use. 

However, DOGE’s internal audits revealed a shocking trend: a disproportionate number of these condoms were XXXL, allegedly to accommodate the “unique needs” of Black and Latino soldiers.

“It’s simple math,” Musk explained during a press conference held on X (formerly Twitter). “If we reduce the number of people who need XXXL condoms, we save money. 

And if we reduce the number of people who are XXXL, we save even more money. 

It’s not racist—it’s efficiency.”

Critics, however, have been quick to point out the glaring ethical issues with DOGE’s approach.

 “This isn’t efficiency; it’s eugenics with a spreadsheet,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, who has called for an investigation into DOGE’s recruitment policies.

 “The military is supposed to be a melting pot, not a Costco where we only stock one size of everything.”

Meanwhile, supporters of the initiative have hailed it as a stroke of genius. “Finally, someone is tackling the real issues,” said conservative commentator Tucker Carlson.

 “For too long, the military has been held hostage by the condom-industrial complex. 

This is a victory for fiscal responsibility and common sense.”

The demographic shift has already had noticeable effects. 

Military bases report a significant reduction in condom-related expenses, though some soldiers have complained about the new “one-size-fits-all” policy. 

“It’s like trying to put a rubber band on a watermelon,” grumbled one anonymous service member.

As DOGE continues its relentless pursuit of efficiency, questions remain about the long-term impact on military diversity and morale. 

Will the armed forces become a lean, mean, cost-effective machine? 

Or will it devolve into a monocultural monolith where everyone wears the same size boots—and condoms?

One thing is certain: in the quest to save a drillion quantillion dollars, no expense has been spared—except, of course, for XXXL condoms.

Note: This article is a satirical piece and should be interpreted as such. Unless you’re Elon Musk, in which case, please don’t tweet about it.