How to Defecate Effectively, The 9 o'clock → 12 o'clock → 3 o'clock Position. By Professor, DR, Generales, Moddafugging, Tetramegistus, Sun Tzu, NobuNaga, D’Yanga, Femi, 4QuaZulu Of Orion [ PPHD, BBC, BLP, HON, LLLB, NNG, PPKK, PHDDD, HSC_HONS ]

I have recently become convinced that humanity has approached the process of defecation with an almost embarrassing lack of scientific ambition.

We have investigated quantum mechanics, artificial intelligence and interplanetary travel, yet when it comes to one of our most frequent biological activities, the accepted procedure remains essentially:

Sit. Commence Process. Wipe. Flush.

I began questioning this after noticing that a particularly satisfying bowel movement can produce a remarkable sensation of lightness and mental refreshment — almost like a biological reboot.

My personal observation is that sometimes, after I believe I have finished, changing my body position can result in additional evacuation.

In particular, I have experimented with gently repositioning my torso approximately toward:

9 o'clock → 12 o'clock → 3 o'clock.

And occasionally, to my considerable amusement, there appears to be more to process out in the system.

Now, before anyone mistakes me for the discoverer of some ancient gastrointestinal martial art, let me be absolutely clear:

There is no established medical evidence that rotating to 9, 12 and 3 o'clock is a structured technique for defecating properly.

This is my own instinctive observation, personal experimentation and deduction.

However, the underlying concept isn't completely bonkers.

Medical science recognises incomplete evacuation as a genuine phenomenon, and bowel movements involve coordinated activity between the rectum, pelvic floor, anal sphincters and nervous system. Body position can also affect the mechanics of evacuation. This is one reason why a footstool, bringing the knees somewhat above the hips, can sometimes make defecation easier.

So perhaps my discovery is not:

“I have invented a revolutionary new way .”

It is more modestly:

“I have noticed that changing one's posture may occasionally reveal that the evacuation wasn't quite finished.”

There is another important distinction.

I am not suggesting that one must completely empty the entire colon every time one sits on the toilet. The colon is not an oil tank. New material is continuously moving through it.

The sensible objective is simply comfortable evacuation without excessive straining.

And if you experience persistent incomplete evacuation, pain, bleeding, major changes in bowel habits, unexplained weight loss, severe abdominal symptoms, or anything that feels abnormal:

DO NOT EXPERIMENT WITH YOUR ARSE.

See a doctor.

Pain is not evidence that you have discovered the secret final Load.

It may indicate an underlying medical problem that deserves proper investigation.

As for the ancient world, numerous traditional medical systems placed considerable importance on digestion and elimination, while squatting toilets were historically widespread. But I have found no ancient manuscript confirming the sacred 9–12–3 manoeuvre.

If somebody eventually discovers one, I shall immediately update this paper.

Until then, my findings remain what they are: an observational research, awaiting peer review.